I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided to just pick this pen up and try to make an attempt to vent"
Wise words Mister Marshall Mathers.
It seems as if lately, whenever I'm feeling down and in a bad mood, all I have to do is put on some Eminem and just sit here and think. I don't exactly know why it helps so much, but it does. It makes me feel like there's nothing in this world that is too much too handle. I've already dealt with more things in my life then I ever thought I was going to have to deal with, and I made it out of everything. I became stronger because of everything that I have dealt with.
My husband is the only person that truly knows everything that I have been through. He is the only one that can make me feel better about certain things, and he does such an amazing job.
He's also the only one that I push away from. It's weird, it's like.. when I know that I need him the most, if he's not here right away because of work or something, I just push away from him and stay distant for a couple of days. Kinda my way of getting back at him for being gone so much.
I know that's mean, because frankly he can not control when he goes away or for how long, but I still seem to get frustrated and mad at him for it.
I don't know why.
It makes me mad at myself for doing it, but I just can't seem to change.
I'm in one of those positions now.
Kinda frustrated at him because he's at work and I just want him home.
I know it's childish, but frankly I just don't care.
I want to be with him at all times.
I just want him all to myself and I'm tired of sharing him with the USMC.
On a positive note though, he is ONLY at work so he will be home later tonight. I know that I have it a lot easier now, with him home and not deployed, then many other military wives. I am very grateful that he is home, I'm just a big baby and want him with me all the time.
I think it stems from the deployment he just returned home from, after dealing with that I get nervous every time he goes to work because I fear that he is going to come home and say he has to go again. I know that's always a possibility and something that I just have to live with.
I knew what I was getting into when I married him, I chose it.. I get that.
But it's easier said then done.
And frankly, no I didn't know what I was getting into because I didn't marry him for the uniform. I married him for who is is, the USMC had nothing to do with that. I fell in love with the person he is, not the job he does. And I don't think that many people understand that. People always say, "you knew what you were getting into when you fell in love/married them" but what they don't understand is that, you can't help who you fall in love with. It just happens. And if it's meant to happen it will happen, no matter what. Love doesn't happen because of someone's job, it happens because of the person they are. Or at least that's how it happened for me. If Adam had any other job in the world I would love him just as much as I do now. Wearing U.S Marines on his uniform, over his heart, didn't make me fall in love with him.
I just wish people thought before they spoke when it comes to telling military s/o's how to feel when their partners are away.
You will never understand until you are in the same situation.
And this goes for any type of long distance relationship as well. Long distance relationships suck, no matter the distance, if you can't see the person you love on a regular basis.. it hurts.
I think I'm going to end this vent here, because I don't really have much more to say AND it's time to go pick up the hubby from work.
xoxo mrs. krys
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