ahhhh! I seriously have not been able to sleep the past two nights and it's killing me. I am so stressed about everything, school, the wedding, everything going on in my life, things that have happened that I wish didn't, Adam on deployment, being scared SO scared about him everyday, our finances, having everything ready for him when he comes home, not sending him as many care packages as I should have, and the list can go on forever. I really feel like I wish I could have a rewind button and start this whole deployment over sometimes so that I can do things completly different. This whole thing was new to me.. I didnt know how I was going to react to it, I didnt know that I was going to take things so hard, I didnt know that I was going to feel so lonely all the time, I didnt know I was going to act in the ways that I did, I didnt know that I was going to feel alone and incomplete at all times of the day even if I was with a million people, I didnt know that my friends would always be there but it still wouldnt feel right without him, I didnt know that I was going to do things that I never thought I would, I didnt know that all I would want is to be in his arms and have him home safe with me, I didnt know that I would only be satisfied with something if he told me I was doing a good job, I didnt know I would need to hear his voice as much as I do in order to simply survive, I didnt know that I would become so close with someone just because she knows what I am going through because her boyfriend is deployed too, I didnt know that I would feel like my entire life was falling apart at one moment.. than hear from him and slowly watch my life come back together, I didnt know that simple mistakes would take over my mind and make me crazy, I didnt know that I didnt know this much about myself until he left. </3
Basically I didnt know that I was going to be so weak at so many points throughout this deployment and I never wanted things to be like that but there is nothing I can do about it now and all I want is for him to be home so things can just be normal again.
I just can't wait too be Mrs. Harmon and have my babe at home with me every night. I just miss the little things and everything that he is missing out on, like planning the wedding and such, I hate that he has to miss it all, and I hate how stressed I am about it all.
The phone call I had with him earlier was amazing, but recently he seems so distant from me and he hardly ever talks to me about anything, and honestly it scares me so much. I am a HUGE talker and usually he is too, but lately he just doesnt ever seem interested in talking to me and I dont know why, I dont know what I did wrong? I really just miss him so much, and I know I have made a TON of mistakes but at the end of the day I love him more than anything in this world and I just really hope he knows that, I tell him that everytime we talk but I really hope he understands it. I hope that the next time we talk he is more talkative with me. I just miss him like crazy and I hope he knows that.
Well this turned into quite a vent and who knows if it will even be read, but it sure felt good to get that all off my chest and now I shall try to sleep again, but without my babe that seems nearly impossible :/
wish me luck!
love always,
Semper Fi Sweetie, :)
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